Insecure Men and Nice Guys
Strong opinion about Nice guys and instead of
the usual ranting of who am I, the above is what my sister-in-law
think about me...
My brother-in-law is the epitome of classic nice
guys, if anything he has been in many ways lucky to have even met my
very attractive sister let alone marry her. Why am I so mean,
well simply because he is nice!!!!
And lets face it, in the real world, nice guys do
not get married!!! In fact they are lucky if they even score a
date!!!! Before your temperature starts rising and let me start by
telling you why I can't stand them!!!!!
You hear it all the time: "He was so NICE and
she's so heartless to dump him." Being a serial online dater, I
get mails from self-professed Nice Guy, complaining that women must
WANT to be treated like dirt, because THEY have failed repeatedly in
their "insecure relationships" or "insecure love".
This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are
mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the
sea." If you have one bad relationship after another, the only
common denominator is YOU. Think about it...
So what's wrong with being Nice? The biggest
problem is that they are hideously INSECURE. They are so
anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people
to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply
pleasure of giving.
You never know if a guy really likes you for who
you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because
you actually payed some kind of attention to him.
Nice Guys exude insecurity - a big red target for
the predators of the world. There are women out there who are
"users" - just looking for a sucker to take advantage of.
Users home in on them, stroke their egos, take them
for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder
so many of them complain about women being horrible, when so often
the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of
Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find
them to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure. Nice Guys go
overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee"
date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things.
They think they know about romance, but their
timing is all wrong, and they either come on too strong, too hard
and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they
hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow,
someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".
They are so desperate to please that they put aside
their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal.
Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human,
and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be - not to mention
the fact that we tend to fall off of them.
They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her
for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become
attracted to someone else. He often has trouble with emotional
intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL
person inside, she will no longer love him.
Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the
decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair
burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to
blame her if the decision was an unwise one.
They rarely speak up when something bothers them,
and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They
fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the
Instead of compromising and negotiating, they
repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice,
they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if
this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't
want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.
They think that they will never meet anyone as
special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for
claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead
of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle,
but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult
person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm
The nice guy needs to believe that he is the best
person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his
insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear.
The truth of the matter is that there are many
people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop
loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the
relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually
exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and
romantic love is really no different.
Though he may love her immensely, there will likely
be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and
will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is:
"Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable
More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy
NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH!
What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be
responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!
Another mistake they make is to go after "hard
luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems,
and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers".
He thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will
make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a
sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him
more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed
by the results.
This ultimately boils down to the fact that they
don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In
order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too
often they mistake obsession for "love".
Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A
You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant
person. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you
want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive
to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.