If you are a divorced middle-aged man looking to have a good time dating women half your age, this article is not for you. Lots of luck if you think that will buy you happiness. Rent it, maybe. But I suspect not for long.

On the other hand if you want to find a mature woman you can respect, admire and adore, someone you’d be happy to grow old with (but not too quickly), someone who will challenge you, love you, bring out the best in you and be your partner for life perhaps my search will inspire you.

Like many baby boomers I married too young, proposing at the tender age of 20. We raised a family back when workaholic dads and stay at home moms were still socially acceptable; only the wealthy had nannies and only the poor used day care. After 27 years my marriage fell apart in the aftermath of a family tragedy and I found myself starting over. Falling quickly into a rebound relationship a kind-hearted woman helped heal my shattered soul. Alas, our differences were too great to form the basis of a permanent union. I give her credit for recognizing that.

Alone again but determined not to be, I embarked on my quest, this time with a plan. Here is the most important takeaway. While your heart can follow your head and your glands can follow your heart, it doesn’t always work so well the other way around. Whoever said love is blind never heard of eHarmony.

Signing up for the deluxe service I worked eHarmony as diligently as I work any investment deal. I meticulously filled out the self-assessment surveys, psychological profiles and match questionnaires. Dishonesty fouls up the process so I made no effort to hide my … idiosyncrasies. Tell me now if you don’t like me — I don’t have extra years to waste! I also uploaded a dozen pictures of myself with friends and family that told my life story. This turned out to be key.

Knowing who you are and knowing what you want is essential to finding a good match. If you haven’t figured that out yet go work on it. I was 55 before all the pieces fell into place.

I set the search thresholds tight figuring I could always relax them. Had to have a good education. Had to be economically successful. Had to live within 30 miles. No kids at home. No dogs. No tobacco. Love of food and wine a must. No sports nuts or TV junkies. Politics had to be compatible with mine. Religion was irrelevant as long as she wasn’t devout. Race and ethnicity was immaterial. Had to be healthy and neither anorexic nor obese. Had to be at least 45 and not over 60.

I turned the machine on and waited.

It felt like I busted open a piñata full of pearls. Every day the computer served up another dozen potential matches, 200 altogether before I shut the spigot off. The folks at eHarmony are wise enough to fudge when a guy like me sets the criteria too tight so many of them were labeled “flexible match,” which was fine. Unbeknownst to me at the time my dream girl arrived in the first batch on the first day.

Every morning I would study the one-page “About Me” introductions that came with each match. Should I reach out to this person or wait for them to reach out to me? I was back in the gym for my first junior high school dance. Except I was staring at a screen that couldn’t stare back.

There is no obligation to initiate contact. A match can sit in your box for weeks or you can push a button and out goes a canned request. Would you like to dance? There is never an obligation to respond; silence means no. Both parties remain anonymous save for what you choose to share on your profile page. If you do respond it’s with a simple yes or no. Then ever so slowly eHarmony helps you peel back the curtain and reveal more about yourselves.

The process is brilliantly constrained — the exact opposite of a blind date, the bar scene, surfing personal ads or a fix-up from a well-meaning cousin. At any time either party can push a button to dispense a polite rejection: Thanks anyway but you’re not for me. No hurt feelings either way. Your head does the work with your heart safely shielded.

Read the rest of the articles on eharmony success  here.

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